Moke Toko

That moment when you realize just how unfairly you’ve been treated all your life for being different.

Hit as a kid because “you only listened if you were hit”

Being told when you’re older by mom “Yeah I hated you sooo much when you were little I wanted to kill you sometimes.”

Being told as a child “You’re crazy. We’re now going to put you on meds. Oh by the way this disorder is suuuper rare to get as a child, and even harder if you’re female. You got screwed in genes.” (Then when repeat those last phrases to the person who told you: “What are you talking about? I’d never say that shit. It must be your disorder fucking up your memories.”)

Forced to go on many different medications to find the ‘right one’ and then end up wanting to kill myself more and more and more. I end up cutting a bit on medications. Stopped because I loved my mom and didn’t want to make her cry. I still hate myself and want to die. I want someone to kill me. Try to start fights in school to get beat up and die. Mom has no idea about this. If I tell her my thoughts I get to hear, “That’s fucked up. Your mind scares me.”

Go on a new medication, now the sarcastic part of me I hid in my head comes out, and mom begins screaming at me “I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU’VE BECOME! I HATE HER!” “MOM! I’ve always been like this but if I try to share my thoughts with you, you freak out at me..” “YOU’RE NOT MY DAUGHTER!”

At one point she threw a glass at me, called a guy’s father (this guy was older and I was going to date, and for two years mom had been trying to get us to date), screams at the guy “Your son is a terrible influence! I should call the cops the next time he comes over!” The guy is seriously like “WTF.” As I am. She goes off on me some more, we fight for months.

We move later, and I’m forced on yet another medication. I realize something’s off with mom, she says she doesn’t know me, I move out to my dad’s realize it’s a bad idea, move back, try to figure shit out between us. Things finally calm down. I tell mom a year later about the calling the guy’s dad and the glass thrown at me: “I would never do something like that. Your memories are distorted due to your disorder.” I had a witness….. who knows I’m right….. Interestingly enough… I’ve brought up the incident almost every year since, and every year the explanation of what happened that day is a new story, while my story is the same.

I move out with ex (now but not then), move back after the breakup, offered to stay with fam so I do. “It’s secure here” they promise…. I get kicked out along with a sis and mom half a year later….. and /I’m/ blamed for starting problems! I had to do all the chores around the house because everyone refused to do them. I complained because I had college to attend to, but if I complained “You have no right to complain. Just do them you ungrateful child.” Yet if I tried to eat something everyone yelled at me for eating their food (I waited for months for these items to be eaten but no one remembered they existed till they saw the wrapper >_>) and I’m like “I have no food? I’m sorry I need to eat? You had a month of it sitting there?” the response was always “I WAS ABOUT TO COME DOWN AND EAT IT!!” ….yeah right bitch.

So I get kicked out and move here. Have a roommate try and overdose because “You’re a horrible creature!! You don’t even deserve to be called human!!” so after overdosing which I tried to stop but was attacked by a large fat woman…. She says “Now I’m going to leave my door open so you can see what /you/ did to me!” For the record that incident started with her flipping shit my window was open and her cat escaped when in reality it /never/ escaped and was still in the house just a part she hadn’t checked due to her flipping shit that my window was open and I hadn’t told her to fix it (when it broke she was at the doctor finding out she had cancer, and she didn’t come back that night to do cocaine, and she came back the next day moping in her room. So it’s not the top of my priority list while I’m working on a school deadline night and that night totally made me fail since I didn’t get to turn my stuff in.)

I try to tell mom I failed school but of course she won’t stop interjecting her “You can do it! I know you can!” and in the middle of me saying “I just failed school I can’t complete the semester and still get a good grade” she’s like “So you’re doing homework now right?” …………really?

So I try to bring up the subject next week but she’s not home often anymore due to being at sis’s house, but she’s interjects with “You’re doing homework right?” ……..”yeaaaaah”

So I stop doing it and focus on getting things I need to done…. Then I get “So it’s Monday and you’d usually be flipping shit about a deadline. You haven’t been doing school have you?!” “Nope. I failed.” “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS?!” “….actually I did. Multiple times. You never listened to me.” “I ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOU!” “Apparently not.” “YOU NEVER SAID THIS!” I look at my sister who’s like “Yeah. She did tell you. Weeks ago. You always interrupted her.”

So then I withdraw from school and mom’s like “So when you withdraw you’re going to go straight to this other college and take some classes.” I just look at her. “Repeat what I jut said. You didn’t hear me did you?” “Oh. I did hear you. But I will not repeat it back. I told you earlier this week what I plan to do now that I’m leaving school. You obviously didn’t listen again.” So she has me tell her again and she leaves the room, displeased I’m doing what she wanted me to.

Around this time I stopped taking meds. I told only a few people so they could see the changes I made. We noticed a lot of changes. REALLY FUCKING GREAT CHANGES. I stopped being depressed. I lost a lot of weight I had gained while depressed. I had self confidence. My acne lessened a lot. I wanted to have a future finally. I finally had motivation. I was willing to be social and really wanted to be social. I no longer wanted to horde things. I stood up for myself. I accepted my faults as mine and decided I love me for me and no one was going to try and change me again. But all mom saw was “YOU’RE MEDS ARE MAKING YOU HORRIBLE! WE NEED TO CHANGE AGAIN!” So I finally told her (for the record, what she failed to notice was I had a two month supply of the meds on my desk….. untouched.) and said my schpeel of why I wanted to remain off and why I hadn’t told her (also despite being told I was crazy I never heard or saw things…. or had mood swings….. the two types of my ‘disorder’ >_>) and she said I could stay off.

One day she flips shit at me for popping my knuckles. “THAT WAS THE NERVOUS HABIT YOU HAD AS A KID!” “I always pop my knuckles?” “YOU HAVEN’T DONE THAT SINCE BEFORE THE MEDICATION!!” “I always have popped my knuckles? My hands hurt if I don’t pop my fingers every so often?” “YOU STOPPED YEARS AGO!” “Nope. Anyone can tell you I’ve been doing it forever.” Even my sis had to vouch for me before she shut up.

All the things she gave me medication to /stop/ I never stopped in fact. I’ve been doing them forever: Popping knuckles (as I said hands begin to hurt), biting my nails (my nails break if I grow them out but not at the white, below, so my fingers bleed so I bite/rips nails off so I don’t end up bleeding one day….), biting my lip (that is simply nerves on my part), wringing my hands (I have bad circulation and so wringing my hands somewhat warms them when they are super cold).

Family used to give me shit for eating weird things since I was little, and it was “part of your disorder”. When I was sixteen the doctor told me I’ve been anemic since I was little. All those weird things I ate was so my body could try to find nutrients I didn’t have in my body. I glared at my parents for making fun of me for years when that sounds like I was fed a bad diet….

In their eyes… this is a list of things I’ve heard labeled “part of your disorder”
(who’s ready to tell me they do this too so we all must be crazy?):
+nail biting
+lip biting
+popping knuckles
+lip biting
+eating weird things (I fucking hate being made fun of for a problem I was born with and had it labeled as crazy when I was actually malnourished….)
+moodiness (grants sometimes it is, but if you’re like me and don’t exactly feel much emotion or if you do for like FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!?)
+paranoia (I was only paranoid on meds. Now I’m not?)
+vanity (I’m sorry when I walk into your room and there are mirrors everywhere. Also, I think I look damn good. Of course I want to stare at my reflection. Is being vain crazy?)
+talking a lot (It’s not like you actually listen to what I say anyways…)
+ego (I have a huuuge ego for the record. I’m also a Leo. I grew up seeing my mom and dad have huuuuuge egos as well….)
+yelling when frustrated (you don’t let me finish even EXPLAINING SOMETHING without interrupting me with “But you aren’t listening to /me/” and so I never finish anything so of course I may start yelling that you don’t listen to me. What am I supposed to whisper when I’m pissed? You yell at me all the time. When I’m calmly pointing it out I somehow am /still/ yelling and you’re not?)
+When I start getting sick (sometimes you even suggest things to look up I may have. But when I actually have those symptoms that you had /as well/ “it’s all in your head”. Once I had a fever from stress. You said I was making it up. I was sick in bed with a fever for three days and you didn’t notice till the second day…. You thought I was faking…..
+playing video games/watching anime is called escapism to you (There are soooo many arguments I could make to promote anime and video games: human appreciation of another human’s skills, learning experience as an artist, interesting to see what comes from another’s mind, enjoying something with another, etc etc efuckingcetera.) (you also have the tv on a lot just for background noise and watch tv a lot and are always talking about the tv shows you watch… how is that not similar to me and my anime?)
+sleeping a lot (okay I’ll be honest. I sleep…. A SHIT TON. I sleep on average 11- 15 hours. If I have a headache or generally feeling unwell I can sleep for up to 33 hours. I sleep a fucking lot. In fact if I’m up longer than 12 hours I get really tired. Nooo idea why. But I sleep like the fucking dead. You can’t wake me up easily. That I can understand being part of something. But teens also sleep a lot? XD)

More and more I hear mom say “You should take your meds, you’re easier to deal with on meds”

I’m sorry. Does me acting like a normal human being should, but you know being a Leo like you are, and being labeled ‘crazy’ really make me sooo difficult to deal with?

I got sooo much shit today about my friends and me being troubled teens. (First they are giving me shit cause my best friend is black. Another person I once hung out with /twice/ was Indian.) (Second I’m getting shit about an event MY DAD AND HIS FRIENDS GO TO AND HE EVEN TOOK MY SISTER!! but I chose /not/ to go and convinced my friends /not/ to go. And rather than go to some pot head event we walked around.) (My sis who just turned 18, already has 3 tattoos, 4+ piercings, drinks alcohol, has already admitted to using weed, refuses to hang out with family unless she either gets paid or is bought something, hates anime, has a car… me: loves anime. hates drugs. hates alcohol. never tried any of it but has no desire to. Plays with my little sister when I baby sit her because I believe in human interaction and fun with siblings. dresses in non mainstream style but my own style and dresses up in lolita dresses for conventions. rides the bus. wants no tattoos or piercings. And somehow… /I’m/ the problem child?!) I also then get shit about the food we got today. I told dad my order before we pulled up. I specified shit. They repeat it wrong. I tell him. He said he got it right. They got it wrong. He bitches at me that I don’t know my size of fries (I wanted a whatasize fries but got large so i used mom’s large fries to prove my point) he bitches that he can’t deal with me and leaves. Mom bitches at me for starting shit when I hadn’t? I was explaining things calmly. I try to tell her that and she bitches that she hates dealing with me too and should leave as well. BITCH. THE ONLY REASON I MADE HIM GET ME THIS FOOD WAS CAUSE YOU ATE THE PIZZA I PAID A THIRD OF MY PAYCHECK TO HAVE AND I DID NOT EVEN SAY YOU COULD HAVE SOME! YOU DIDN’T EVEN ASK ME! Yes. You are my parent. You don’t feed me. I fee myself. For the past few weeks I have been selling my possessions for shit amounts to feed myself. While you are happily getting fatter. “Well I was hungry…” “I HAVEN’T EATEN MOST DAYS SO I CAN EVEN AFFORD FOOD!” “STOP WHINING!” “YOU’RE ALWAYS FED! I’M NOT EVEN GUARANTEED I CAN EAT OR SNACK MOST DAYS!” “OH BOO HOO!” I’m technically going to starve or get pneumonia again from malnourishment like TWO YEARS AGO WHEN MY FEVER WAS SO BAD I ALMOST BLACKED OUT AND COULDN’T MOVE OR SEE while everyday she has three meals and more…. I’ve eaten every other day for about a week and a half. I’m /lucky/ to eat. When I texted her “where can I get drink and meal for $3?” she texted me “Sux doesn’t it.” “……….yes. But I plan to make it work. Seriously though. Where can I find this glorious meal?”

I seriously…. don’t know why…. I’m soo accepting of shit.
Like………. THE SHIT I GO THROUGH. PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. MAKES ME WISH TO CRY (for the record I can’t actually cry. I cried soo much as a child putting myself to sleep that I no longer can cry.)<—-holy shit that sounds terrible >_<

Yeah. People tell me “you don’t have it so bad” There is soooo much I won’t list. I was beat as a kid. Mom was beat when I was little. My dad left my pregnant mom so he could party and do drugs (in fact he wants me to drugs with him cause “Wouldn’t it be sooo cool if we could do drugs together?” …..no. not at all. You have caught aids from your girlfriend. I don’t want to fucking die.) Mom was cheated on five times before she divorced my step dad. They are going to remarry soon. He used to stalk her, slash her tires, broke into our home, had a restraining order on him twice! (when I was little he burned our possessions when mom left him before they married)
I grew up seeing drugs in the home and was told “Walk away. Keep your sisters away. We don’t want them to know.”
In high school mom resumed drinking “cause it’s social etiquette. If someone buys you an expensive drink you don’t reject it.” She’d come home and puke sometimes or just pass out.
The ex I used to live with told all my friends I no longer wanted to see them, when really I wasn’t allowed to leave the apartment. He almost hit me at every convention we went to because I walked away (I always told him where I was going and pointed to it but he was too busy stealing or looking at weapons to care. I had even told him in texts where I was going but he tells me “I didn’t charge my phone before we drove up here”) so everyone stops to stare like “Holy shit that girl’s about to be hit by her boyfriend!” He stopped buying me food because I was “fat and eating all the food” (I had one meal a day for a year, most of those meals were using my inheritance to feed myself so I could actually eat)(that inheritance he tried to take my credit card and hide it so I don’t use my money). He started getting pushy during arguments and yelled at me all the time. If I was looking sad he’d start punching his jaw till I got pissed and stopped him. When I got pneumonia he told me “I’m too busy with school and work to take care of you” (even though everyday I had been he suddenly decided to be social and hang out with friends every night and none of them were told I was sick), so he sends me to my mom to be taken care of while he flirts with a new girl he dumps me for and while I’m trying to find a new place to live he’s all flirty with her the day after dumping me. I hear they moved in together but he’s reeeally unhappy and he wants to reconnect. BITCH CAN KISS MY ASS!)
I get hit on by creepers all the time. In fact most people have no idea but people often are molesting me or trying to. It started sixth fucking grade! I dropped a water bottle and some guy grabs my ass. I got upset and began crying and mom was like “Awww her first ass grab!” “BEAT HIM UP MOM!” “Nah! It’s okay!” “MOM I FEEL VIOLATED!! I DON’T EVEN KNOW THAT KID!” Seventh grade we go to a water park for art, and a guy in my class tries to pin me under the wave pool so I can’t get air while he tries to feel me up. I kicked his gut and ran. Spent the whole ‘fun day’ fucking hiding from the kid who chased me all over the fucking park to molest me. A friend in eight grade once held me down in the cafeteria so I punched the bastard in the mouth, busted my hand on his braces, busted his lip on his braces, dude left me the fuck alone. You don’t fucking pull that shit with me ‘friend’. In high school the girls would grope me, while I had stalkers. I had a guy friend ask me to be his fuck buddy when my ex dumped me. (He knows I’m not into fucking people like that. He also knows I don’t get with friends after losing my best friend after we broke up. HE ALSO ASKED ME LAST. /That/ part pissed off my ego. A LOT.)

My life. Is a wtf is this shit story.

I hate when people rage mode about people’s tastes in music.

If you don’t like it yourself, stop being a bitch and criticizing someone’s tastes. Just care about what you do like.

Everyone has their own tastes, stop being an asshat and let someone enjoy what they enjoy.

Personally I don’t give a rat’s ass what someone likes or doesn’t like. They can enjoy whatever suits them, but if someone is gonna get on my case about /my choice/ of music, just know I don’t care what you say cause it’s not worth listening to.

I’m the kind of person who’s willing to listen to just about anything, no matter what it is. If someone wants to share some music with me, I’m not going to be a bitch. I normally dislike rap but I’ve come to like the songs friends have shared with me. I don’t normally like country but by taking the time to listen, I have found some I like. Even if it’s not normally what I listen to I’m willing to give it a try. By opening up my interests and willingness I’ve found a lot of music from all genres that I like.

princessdominique23 asked: Yo! I'm on tumblr cause my facebook isnt acting right :o. But I read your two stories!

Ahhaha that makes a A LOT of sense XD
You…. should…..get…..on……skype……. before I kill my ears more with obnoxiously loud music again XD

So long long ago, we had a playstation 2. Then when the ps3 came out my sister ditched the ps2 (which i played often) for the ps3. She BROKE the ps3. Years later I moved out and the ps2 was deemed “mine” because no one had games for it but me and no one wanted to play it but ME. So years later my sis is like “Can I borrow your ps2 to play guitar hero?” and I was like “….I guess since I no longer have a tv…” so it’s been at dad’s house for her to play. Turns out she took it to her mom’s house without telling me and I see her posting on facebook how her brother is playing /her/ playstation… BITCH BETTER GIVE ME BACK MY PLAYSTATION OR PAY ME FOR IT.

So in one day I find out three guys I know like me >_>

Two are friends from high school:
One has liked me since I’ve known him (I just thought he hated me cause I was a total emo ditz in high school >_< He always called me blonde cause I always dyed my hair, and he always called me dumb so he became my rival that I swore to beat in grades so he’d stop picking one me >_> and now I know that was because he liked me >_<)

The other is a guy still in high school who I knew my senior year, often asked him for money so I could buy into my Big Red addiction XD (He was teasing me that he knew someone who liked me, so I finally was just like “TELL MEH ALREADY!” and he was like “…me.” >_> (wasn’t expecting that))

Then there’s the guy who got hired at the same time as me… HEADPHONES BOY. We worked in different departments today and he sought me out so he could holler at me to stop reading the children’s books when I’m supposed to put them away. Then he sought me out again when my friend said my name, so he could chide me again (when I wasn’t doing anything wrong?), then AGAIN! when I was in a new section trying to find a lost shoe. So I tell my friend who’s like “OH! Didn’t I tell you he likes you?” I’m just like “….A bit late don’t you think?”

So that’s THREE IN ONE DAY! And I already know another friend likes me >_>
I think sometimes… I’m too loved XD